


I Loved Him/I Hated Him

by WhatIsAName



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Lev is an artist, Little angst coming your way, M/M, That is all, i'm only hurting myself with this, rlly short, we only mention kuroo yamamoto and nekomata-sensei
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:25:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6691402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIsAName/pseuds/WhatIsAName
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yaku was perfect. Lev loved him.</p><p>Lev was weird. Yaku hated him.</p><p>And so that was the routine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Loved Him/I Hated Him

**Author's Note:**

> So here we have a legend:
> 
> Lev-Italics  
> Yaku-Bold  
> Both-Bold, Italics, Underlined

_Have you ever had that feeling you have whenever you see a certain person, all your worries would melt away and all you would think of was_ him? _Or her. That when you see_ him _— or her — everything else would just crumble into dust and nothing else would matter? I felt that way towards him._

**Have you ever hated someone? And I mean _truly_ hated someone. That whenever you see them, you just wanted to go up to them and just scream, just wanting to snap their neck? That you wanted nothing more than to wipe that stupid grin off their face? I felt that way towards him.**

_He was perfect. From the moment I first saw him, I knew he was the one. I knew that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The one I loved._

**He was weird. I knew when I first laid eyes on him, he was the one. The one person deserving of my hate.**

_We were teammates, but I never had the chance to talk to him. He practiced in the court beside me, never turning around unless someone called his attention. Everyday, I desperately wanted to reach out and talk to him, but every time I tried to call him... my voice would just disappear and the words would die in my throat as he turned to the side, his eyes shining with confusion at why someone would call him._

**He's constantly calling my name, and when I turn around, he pretends to be doing something else. It was so weird. I honestly have no idea what is wrong with him. Unfortunately, I had to be stuck by the court beside him, so yipee.**

_He was perfect. I loved him._

**He was weird. I hated him.**

_And so that was the routine._

**Call my name.**

_Practice spiking._

**And I turn sideways, not knowing why that guy even called me in the first place.**

**_ Until one day, everything changed. _ **

_We were going to have a play for the cultural festival. Romeo & Juliet, you know, the play? Yeah, that one. Anyway, Coach Nekomata decided that we should create a 2-hour production, with props and everything._

_I know what you're thinking. You're Romeo and he's Juliet. Ha! I wish. No, I didn't play Romeo. I don't have that kind of talent. I wasn't even a main character. Heck, I didn't even have a role!_

_I was a part of the costume committee. Lame, I know. But that's not the point._

_He played the Nurse, and boy, guess what happened!_

**I swear to the heavens above that if I ever survive this I will never do wrong ever again.**

_I was in charge of his costume._

**Seriously? He's the one going to do my measurements and make my costume and everything? Why _him_? He's a creep!**

_Okay, lame, I know, but still! Not everyone gets to be in charge of doing their crush's costume! I had to get his measurements and everything! And we got to actually talk!_

_Even if we just talked about his measurements... And we barely talked..._

_But still._

**I just wanted to be props.**

_And I'm pretty sure you're thinking, oh, how are you in charge of just_ one _person? Isn't the costume committee supposed to be in charge of everyone's costume? Well, Kuroo-san thought it was a good idea. I thought it was pretty stupid, actually, but that was_ before _I found out I was going to do_ him.

**Why couldn't I just be props?**

_That came out wrong._

_Actually, now that I think about it, Kuroo-san_  probably _knew about my crush. Was I really being that obvious? But hey, not complaining. I got to spend time with him, and that's all that mattered._

_Now you're probably wondering, what's the point of this play? Just get on with the love story!_

_Way to be impatient. The point is, this play... it was probably the reason why he even talked to me._

**He didn't bother showing up to the play. I expected he would show up, being a part of the costumes and stuff. But... He didn't.**

**For some reason... I felt disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I hated him. With a _passion_. But it felt off, knowing someone who kind of became a part of my life, albeit a small part that I tried to ignore, was gone.**

**It felt like there was a void in my chest.**

**The following day, I was ready to ask him, but...**

**He was absent.**

_I had an accident. And I was_ really _looking forward to the play, too! Ugh, I hope someone videotaped it for me. Plus... I kind of wanted to wish him good luck beforehand._

**I actually considered the fact that maybe he just skipped class and practice that day. Or better yet, transferred. But, I didn't really feel satisfaction at the thought that maybe he transferred.**

_ANYWAY. As I was saying, an accident. Fractured leg,_ open _fracture, mind you, plus some other broken bones... It was really_ really _painful, but not because of all the broken parts of my body. Okay, maybe that's a lie, it hurt a lot, but there was another reason why it hurt, and not just because of what I suspect is literally all my bones being broken._

**I really did not expect him, of all people, to have an accident.**

_It was because I wouldn't get to see him. Cheesy, amirite? *wink wink*_

**He was always so optimistic, so happy, so bubbly. I couldn't even imagine him in a bleak hospital room, so close to death. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but still. Him? In an accident? I kinda thought the guy was practically untouchable.**

**Another thing that surprised me was the fact I even bothered to _visit_ him.**

_Being in the hospital is boring. Plus it hurt, but I'm pretty sure boring would be what most people would know. Trust me, I had to stay in a hospital for 5 days because of my damn great-aunt. Very boring, and during that time, I had a— don't laugh— an android phone. And that was when iOS phones were already starting to be a thing. Don't judge; I wasted all my money on art materials._

**This is going to be awkward. What do I say? I hate him! Or do I? Wait, no, of course I do! Oh god, why am I even here?**

_Is that him?!_

**“Um, hi?” That was embarrassing.**

_I'm not ready, oh my gosh, he's here! Does he have a dying relative, or..._

**“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” I said, taking a seat. I even brought flowers. Damn, way to make a guy fall for you.**

_"Oh, uh, okay,” I replied._

**_ What do I say? This is so awkward. _ **

**“Uh, so, what... happened? To you?”**

_“Oh, you mean aside from nearly everything in my body breaking? *bitter laugh* Car crash. A bad one. My mom managed to make it out with just a broken wrist, but hey, we can't all be lucky.”_

**“At least you survived.”**

_A moment of silence passed between us. He put down the bouquet of chrysanthemums in his hand, and stood up._

**“Uh, see you, then.” I was about to leave when he called me back, reminding me of the days when he used to call me from the back, and I would turn around. It was like that, only this time we weren't in a classroom. This time, he lay on a hospital bed.**

_“I have something I wanted to give you back in the play... I wasn't able to give it to you, because of the accident and all.” I handed him a small card, something I made myself. It wasn't my best work, but it was something._

**“Uh, thanks.” I took the card, but before leaving, I had to ask one last thing. “How long would you be staying here?”**

_“Few weeks, I guess. I don't really get hospitals, honestly, plus there's that entire thing with rehab and then other things I don't understand, so that sucks.”_

**“Oh, alright. Bye, then.” I left, and I wouldn't see him again for another few weeks.**

_He didn't visit again, but the next time I saw him, it was at practice._

**I haven't opened the card. It didn't matter, as he forgot about it.**

_We were partners again, this time, for a project. We were going to make a banner for the team with our motto._ We're like the blood in our veins. We must flow without stopping. Keep the oxygen moving and your mind working. _It was a thing that Kuroo-san usually says before a match to get us 'pumped up', but I honestly ever understood the meaning of it._

**We could make it in any way we like, and...he suggested art and calligraphy.**

**I suck at art and calligraphy.**

_I'm so excited! Whee! He's going to come to my house and everything! Yay!_

**I wanted to tell him off, tell him that _no_ , I absolutely refuse to do art, especially _calligraphy_ , but once again, I found myself doing something I didn't plan to. I didn't say a word, but I told him that I would do the explanation while he would do the rest of the artsy stuff. He seemed fine with it.**

_As we walked towards my home, I felt myself growing more nervous with each step I took._

**My heart was pounding.**

_My breaths were shaky,_

**If you couldn't tell,**

_** I was nervous. ** _

**Something was definitely wrong here. I'm never nervous!**

_Any confidence I might've had, and I assure you, I didn't, disappeared when I looked at the door of my house. My cheeks were red, and I couldn't stop thinking about what he would think._

**His house was beautiful. It fit him so much. His house wasn't a typical house, with clear windows and blank walls. No, his house was much more... vibrant, more bubbly, more colorful. It wasn't messy, but it was put together in a way that made is aesthetically pleasing.**

_“I-I know, I have a p-pretty weird house...” Did I just stutter?_

**“You got weird right. But it's so... pretty.”**

_“T-thanks. Oh, uh come in!” I cursed myself and took a key from my jacket, unlocking the front door with ease._

**Did I mention that his house was literally art heaven? Well, it was.**

_“Sorry about the mess,” I climbed up the stairs, but not in haste since my FREAKING LEG IS INJURED._

**I was quiet until he showed me his room. A wall was blank, while the opposite showcased a few paintings. Boxes of what I'm assuming is art materials lay scattered in a small corner, but other than that, everything was neat.**

_As we began our project, I began to notice something about him. Every time he smiled at me, there was a certain forceness to it, as if he wasn't truly happy. “What's wrong?”_

**I did not expect him to ask that. Well, I didn't expect a lot of things from him, did I? “What do you mean?”**

_“It's just that- how do I say this... I noticed that you aren't really happy right now. Is everything alright?”_

**“What, of course!” Oh god, he noticed. I tried smiling again, but...**

_“Something's wrong, isn't it? Is it me? If you want you can leave...”_

**I looked away. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want anyone to know. “I-It's not you, it's just-”**

_“Then what's wrong?”_

**I didn't say anything.**

_“Don't worry, it's okay, just tell me.”_

**No. You have no idea how much I wanted to scream it out, wanting all my walls back in place. He shouldn't be able to do this. Why did I feel so vulnerable around him?**

_“Tell me-!”_

**“It's my parents, okay?! They're going to get a divorce, and I-I don't even k-know if I can still h-handle this, they b-both want me, b-but if they r-really did care, then they wouldn't force me to make a decision! Why am I even surprised? It's not like _anyone_ really cared! I don't even care about myself anymore! I just want to stop hiding, to just be myself!”**

_Oh my god. I didn't know that he..._

**I just realized what I just said. “I-I, I'm sorry... I didn't mean... I'll leave, if you want.”**

_“No, no! It's fine. It's just that I didn't know...”_  
  
**“It's alright. No one knows. Besides, it's not like they'd care.” I stood up, ready to leave. I didn't want to burden him with this. “I'll ask our teacher first thing tomorrow if we can change pairings. I'm sorry. I never meant for you to know.”**

_“No, it's alright! It's fine, really. It's just that...”_

**“Just that what?”**

_“I... I care. A lot.”_  

**What?**

_Another silence. I didn't mind it. What I said wasn't exactly something I expected him to respond to._

**I was so flustered that I ran out the room, not stopping until I reached my house, and entered my room, drowning out the voices of my parents in the other room.**

_He never brought it up again, but he didn't ask coach to switch him out with someone else._

**I noticed he would always smile at me, and laugh even when I didn't expect him to. It was nice, it felt different from all the laughs of my “friends”, which were all false and fake. His laugh felt pure, immaculate, and it felt so fresh. It was around this time that I noticed other smaller things.**

**Like the fact he has a crush on me.**

_We worked on our project, and every time I looked at his eyes, I felt my heart skip a beat. I remembered why I fell in love with him, and I had even more reasons now. The way he would receive the ball and scold Yamamoto-san whenever he did something stupid, the way he jogs so freely, the way his hands would brush against mine subconsciously..._

_He was just so, so... no, perfect wasn't the word. That day when he let the fact his parents were about to separate slip... That reminded me that he, too, was human._

_And it was around this time that I decided to do a little side project. Just for him._

**I knew that one of those days... He would confess to me. And when that day comes, I knew I would have to let go of him. People like me... We didn't deserve people like him. I don't know if I'll reject him because I hate him, because, let's face it... I never did.**

_I dipped my brush into the paint, letting my hand do the work as it glided freely across the surface of the wall._

**Our project was halfway done, and due in 5 days. 5 more days. 5 more days with him.**

**5 days I'd have to cherish.**

_The colors blended together, and I wished my work was as beautiful as him; he was a masterpiece._

**After those 5 days... It'll be back to the same routine. Over. And over. And over...**

_After these 5 days, I'll show it to him. And everything will change. It will._

**Our project was finally done. As I passed it with shaky hands, he threw me a note.**

_“Meet me in my house L8R.”_

**This was it, wasn't it?**

_I'm going to confess._

**I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but yet I'm here, outside his house. Waiting.**

_I led him to my room again. He's going to love this. And me, hopefully._

**His room was the same. But with one major difference.**

**A painting of me was on the wall. Oh god. No. I can't do this.**

_“Uh, so... I've been thinking. And I really, really, wanted to tell you this since before. I-”_

**“You like me.”**

_“Yeah, I- How did you-”_

**“It was painfully obvious.”**

_I smiled sheepishly. “So, how about it... Will you be willing to give me a chance?”_

_** I would never forget the words  ** he **/I said next. ** _

**“No.”**

_“W-what do you mean, I-”_

**“*sigh*. Look. I like you, I really do. It's just that we can't do this. I'm sorry.”**

_I didn't understand._

**My heart was beating,**

_I couldn't move,_

**Couldn't think.**

_I felt hurt._

**Lost.**

_Confused._

_**And I couldn't breathe...** _

**And then after a moment, I left.**

_For so long, he was my light. Now that he's gone, I don't know what to do. He doesn't talk to me anymore, and it isn't the same **.**_

_Now that I think about it, did he ever even love me back?_

**I regret it. I regret everything. I never should have met him. It was a mistake.**

**I broke him.**

_Was this all just a game to him? Did he just decide to play with me, with my heart? Was he just bored? There was never a love to begin with. Just my infatuation and him messing around with my head! He manipulated me, tricked me, played me for a fool! I thought we had something. I thought that-_

**I thought that I would do this and have no regrets. I know what I did was wrong. I tried to justify all my reasons, saying that I hated him, saying that it's for the best, but is it really?**

_It's so unfair._

**My hands reached out for the card he gave me back in the hospital.**

_It's so freaking unfair!_

**A crude sketch of me in my costume. I can't take this anymore.**

_I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!_

**I never really hated him.**

_Why?!_

**I realize that now. He thought I was perfect, but in reality, he was. He was pure, and... that's something I never had. And never will.**

_It was never love. I hate him._

**It was never hate. I love him.**  

**Author's Note:**

> I have sinned so badly I am sorry for hurting your poor souls.


End file.
